Blah

So it has hit me, I am on cycle day 13 and I am already feeling the PMS blah feeling. I always get like this. Two weeks before AF I get non-stop headaches, tired, zoned out, depressed. I just hate it! I have done well in that I am keeping up with my class. This is my seventh class. I do one class a month, so I am proud of myself for that. But I was thinking if I were pregnant now would I still be feeling down? I think not, because I would be preggos! I am sure I would have the baby blues but at least I would have finally gotten pregnant. We are going on vaca in two weeks, so AF will be joining us, I'm sure. UGH!!! I hate being a girl. I need some fresh air. BYE!

Army wives

So I just love watching Army Wives on lifetime. Well one of the characters had a miscarriage, it was soo sad! And now on the next episode another one of the characters is pregnant. WTF?!! Anyway that's ok, I still love the show. So my hand is sooooo much better, meds are amazing. We are on the count down for our trip. June 9th cannot come soon enough. I am still dreaming of having a baby, but I have made myself relax. Even worse the DH and I BD'ed last night and I am on day 12 now and having lots I means lots of CM. So here I go being baby loca and wanting to chart or temp or something TTC like. But I must remind myself no stress!!! I must chill and do things fun, not obsess. So here's looking to not thinking well at least not constantly about babies. :) TTYL!

Depressed

How does one stay positive when there have been so many set backs? Went to the doctor for my hand yesterday and looks like an inflamed tendon. Got meds and a wrist brace. The problem is my DH is being such a brat. He doesnt listen to me when I tell him I am in pain. He doesnt even reach out to touch me when I cry. And this whole not being pregnant thing has really made me feel so raw. I am feeling down and alone.

BABIES EVERYWHERE!!!

So my day was going pretty well, or so I thought. It was busy in the clinic I work in. I work as a nurse aide in an elementary school. Working towards finishing my teaching degree to teach art. So anywho, I needed to run a note to the P.E. department. They were on lunch so I knocked on their door and I could hear women talking. I got nervous because I know that one teacher pumps, she had a baby three months ago. But when they opened the door she wasn't pumping but the art teacher was. And sitting in the middle was the librarian who also had a baby three months ago. So all three pump and all three have babies the same age. (Shoot me please). And I had to go to two of their baby showers, one when I thought I was pregnant. (Hey at least it got me through the dang party feeling hopeful). ;) . So I got through that and walked back up front to have lunch. And what do you know the whole freaking conversation is about being pregnant and having kids. "Well when I was pregnant I couldn't stay still." "When I had my second kid I didn't do as much like I did for the first." (Tears :*( ). So anyway my hand still hurts so I am trying to type slower. I just need a break from typing. But my schooling is online so oh well, and I use the computer a lot at work. Well, I am feeling better now since being attacked by mommies and baby talk. I hope everyone else is having a good day. TTYL!

Good Morning

Hello all!
I am having a better day today. I ended up leaving work an hour early yesterday due to a massive migraine that is still threatening me today. And my right hand that I have been ignoring has officially begun to be too painful and I am now wearing a brace. People at work think I have really injured myself, I feel silly that it is probably just from typing too much. So anywho, I am working on my social psychology class today, I have a paper due Monday and I need to be a responsible student. ;) So I am feeling better about the whole baby thing, But we are not near the fertile time so of course I do. This is when I feel my best, before hormones really start kicking me while I am down. I have been looking over the blogs I am following and I totally love seeing what other gals are doing with their baby journeys. I cant wait to blog about my pregnancy! Here's hoping!

Mondays

So I could not sleep at all last night. I usually have such a hard time falling asleep on Sundays anyway. I was reading through the 999 reasons to laugh at infertility and I laughed out loud at the one about people putting their ultrasound pics on facebook. Now I cant lie, I have a lot of family that live out of town who would love to see my pics. Not that I have any to show but I do understand that it hurts to see everyone else happy and when you aren't its hard to get through. Even seeing women I work with on there happy with there 3 month old babies. One is pregnant again and her son is not yet one. Shoot me please. :( Anyway I am back at work trying to forget my little dream. I was reading "A Little Pregnant" last night and this poor woman keeps getting pregnant and miscarrying. I cant even get pregnant. I don't know would I want to get pregnant and know that I can and then loose the baby? Who knows. I hate life sometimes. I just don't get why the egg and the little swimmer are missing each other this many times?!! Oh well TTYL!

A Little Pregnant

Ok so I am reading a book called "A Little pregnant" , it is very good. I suggest it to anyone who has been TTC for a while. I know that my DH and are I are not trying right now, but I still want a baby so bad. I have an ache in my heart as I type this. It creeps up on me without me knowing I am feeling sad. So AF is almost gone and I of course go into the mode of wanting to try again. But I had to snap out of it and realize we are done for now. UGH! Pity party over here! But anywho I was looking over money today and I am getting so excited! We are going out of town next month for a road trip! We are leaving Houston on June 9th and driving to New Mexico staying the night there. Then the next day we are off the VEGAS!!! Staying one night in the Paris hotel, seeing Hoover Dam and The Grand Canyon. To think that a little baby could be growing inside my belly as I look at such amazing things. (Yeah right but its fun to daydream). After our one night we are off to Yosemite, two nights there, then to San Fran!! Four nights there then down to Malibu where my dad and step mom live. Four nights there and home we go! So I just need to chill about the money and remember that last June we went to NYC and we didn't even spend all of our money. I think we will do just fine on a road trip. Well that's that, I
am off to grocery shop.

Last night

So last night was not so much fun. It was pouring like crazy, thunder and lighting the whole nine yards. Well my husband convinces me to go to a play that his best friend wrote and directed which was showing down town. Now I live in Rosenberg and downtown Houston is about 45 mins or so away and in a storm?! Not fun! So I was in a funk alllll day yesterday since AF showed on Thursday morning. I was so tired of smiling and joking at work when all I wanted to do was cry and be left alone. But God said sorry girl time to push on. So I did my best. So when I got home and the hubby and I left we went to eat Olive Garden. Usually my fav. But tonight I feel somber and down. My husband keeps asking whats wrong, I told him and he of course feels bad. I said "look I'm sorry I just feel sad, I will be fine though." So of course I ordered chicken with broccoli my fav, and ate not even half. I was so tired and not in the mood. I looked outside at the dark night and the rain pouring down in sheets and all I wanted to do was go home get in my pjs, and go to bed. No such luck.
So we get to the play and we go in an sit down. It is a small playhouse and so the actors are very in your face. This play happened to be about one guy who is in a crazy house because his wife hanged herself while shew as pregnant with their first kid. WTF?!!! So needless to say I rather have gone to sleep then see this crap. The guy was good don't get me wrong, but what a bad topic. Oh well did my house cleaning today, its still crappy weather but my best girlfriend is coming over and I am going shopping. TTYL!

AF showed!

So here I am again AF is in full swing. I am so confused as to why this keeps happening. I hate being a girl , and a girl who wants to get pregnant at that. My husband and I have been married for four years this year. We met when we were in high school. So yes, we are high school sweet hearts. So sweet I know. I work in an elementary school and my husband is a police officer. I am going to school to become an art teacher, which has been my life long dream since elementary school.
So here is the low down. My husband and I began to talk about babies two years ago. I had just turned 25 so we threw out the birth control, I was excited and optimistic. A year went by and I went to talk to my OBGYN to see what she thought about me not getting pregnant. She said "You are young, you will get pregnant don't worry about it right now. But if you want here is some Clomid and go get an HSG." So I took the Clomid for two months, (hate the stuff let me tell ya) and nothing happened. I didn't have the HSG because I had not met my deductible yet. So we were at a stand still again. So the summer came and I turned 26. I was not to anxious yet but I did start to have a nagging feeling that something had to be wrong with us. So I asked my hubby to get tested and he reluctantly did, he was normal as could be. His swimmers were doing just that, swimming but where?
I then put my brave face on and started the round of blood work. FSH, estrogen,LH, CF, blah blah, blah ,I was normal as well. Now came the hard part; the HSG. So I went in expecting the worst pap smear of my life and well it was annoying and uncomfortable but I made it through with minor cramping during it but none afterwards, I was very lucky. There was a lot of pain on left side as they pushed the dye through which could have indicated a blockage. But we would never know.
My hubby and I went on to do timed intercourse after the HSG, we both thought this had to be it this time. I had to have had a blockage, and now that it was clear we would finally get pregnant, but nope, AF showed her ugly face. So I went onto Clomid again, first I had a vaginal ultra-sound to check my follicles. And wow! I had a lot! 8 on the right side and 7 on the left. I just knew we would get pregnant this month.
So we did the meds we timed the intercourse and went on for two weeks praying. I then began to get pain in my groin and joint pain, then the boobs started hurting. I knew she was on her way. But then I began to research about pubic pain and it was referred back to being pregnant. I prayed so hard that this was it. Well it wasn't she came again yesterday and I was devastated. I mean really this time I was so defeated and down.
My husband and I began to talk about jumping to IVF, but we are both students and we knew we wouldn't be approved for another loan. So I cried and we fought. I hate hormones. We finally decided we will look into grants and just pray. So here we are stuck. My birthday is in July and I will be 27, I really wanted to be pregnant by now. Oh well, I will keep on keeping on somehow.