Sunday, July 1, 2012

I am no longer the same

Funny how just 8 months ago I was a woman carrying twins. Yes I knew and felt pregnant but I wasn't a mom yet. I still was selfish and carefree. I really didn't know what life was supposed to be like as a mom. You can be pregnant your whole life and never truly know what's it like to be a mom until you have a child. I never quite grasped the whole mama concept until we were home with the babies. Of course even then you're are still in such shock you don't know what you just brought home and your are so scared of these little wrinkled creatures that resemble you that you just stare at them until they cry. Just the other day I felt like the old me again, the scared lonely little girl that I used to be keeps trying to peak through, I hate that little girl to be honest with you. She represents pain that I don't want to feel again. That pain is from my parents' divorce and yes I know many people have gone through this as well but for some reason I was blindsided when my parents split up. I was a daddy's girl through and through. So now that I have my own its hard to understand how anyone a mom or dad could walk away from their child. It's still nearly 19 years ago and it can still bring me to my knees to think of being dropped off by my dad and to not see him for more than two years. As a nine year old that is a huge pill to swallow. Having a niece that is 8 really has brought back many memories as well, I see a lot of me in her and its hard sometimes to have to re-hash those ugly memories. My coping skills can be a bit shaking at times, I get hurt easily and I don't take rejection well but as I have grown up it has become somewhat easier. All I know is that my children will never feel the abandonment that I felt, they will never dread coming home to an empty house filled with memories that felt like ghosts moving from room to room. For a week I was down in the dumps and now I am feeling a more light again. That little girl that I don't like must be asleep. I try to comfort her at times but sometimes I just wish she would die....