Just maybe

So much for trying on my fertile days, Sunday I got a nice head cold that is almost gone today. Why does this seem to always happen? TMI is about to happen here so get ready. The DH and I BD on CD 10 and 12. I think I O’d on CD 13 or 14. SO let’s pray that just maybe by a sheer miracle we got the egg before it came down. UGH!!! The 2 WW is here. Good luck to everybody.

All I want for Christmas....

I am kind of excited right now. Why you might ask? Well I asked the hubby if we could really try this month. I so want to be pregnant by Xmas, what a wonderful gift that would be. He said sure but you will get sad if it doesn’t happen. I said I know but I’m really trying to be stress free and I have been, well at least not depressed about not being pregnant yet. We are doing the every other day method in hopes to catch the egg before and after. My cycles have become longer whereas they used to be 24 days now we are at 30; so maybe that has been messing me up and the stress on my emotional well being maybe affected my eggies. Who knows I am trying anything right about now. Since we are not able to afford the IF treatments I will take good care of myself and the hubby and try to remain stress free. HA! Ok off to do some homework. Hope all is well in everyone else’s baby world!

Happy Turkey day and an interesting topic...

Well first of all Happy Gobble Gobble day! And now here is my interesting topic of the day. I was over at my mom's last night cooking for today and we began to watch a show on Discovery Health Channel. This show was about four women three from the U.K. and one from NY, these women all had children of their own already. And when I say that I don’t say it lightly, they each had either 6 or 4 boys. But these women were determined to have a girl. So....they began to take some type of injection drug that would help them in getting a female embryo. I know, I know, it makes me sick too. And by the way if I am offending anyone I apologize but this makes me soooo mad!!!
These women already have healthy children that they bore themselves yet they still were "depressed" because they wanted a daughter so much. Seriously?!! What made me even more disturbed was when one woman goes into see what gender she is having. The x-ray tech says are you ready? This woman says "I think I see what it is" she then proceeds to cover her face and cry. Her husband is sitting next to her and he hugs her. But oh get this; she says "well he is cute”. WTF?????? You better say that you lunatic or you are going to give this kid and complex when he watches this on TV when he is older. I honestly wanted to punch each and everyone one of these women. Let’s just line them up and begin smacking them around a little bit. And one of the other women who was in her mid forties had been trying for 20 years for a girl. Ok now that is plain out crazy. I know I'm obsessed but that’s down right retarded. And I don’t care how old you are, if you are trying for a baby and you are in your late 30’s early 40’s and you just got married I get it. But no if you already have 6 of your own enough is enough!!! These women need to be strapped into a straight jacket and tossed into a padded cell for a little while. That will make them love their boys real quick.


Ok that’s that, and another fun topic. As we sat at my parent’s dining room table this afternoon, the baby topic gets brought up again by my sister-in-law. God love her but she has five kids and had no problem having them. She means well and is always super sweet but you know us infertiles we get on the defense with fertile women. These are the facts, for me at least. So of course my parents chime in, “oh it will happen when it’s supposed to happen” “it will happen when you are done with school” “it will happen when you are least expecting it”. I’m sorry but I am always expecting it and I will never be able to forget it, so I guess I’m screwed on that hope of becoming oblivious. Then later my sister-in-law says well have you had your CM checked? I said no and I cannot go back to the doc because my deductible is crazy high, this was by ourselves by the way not in front of my parents, that would have been interesting. She then said well take Robitussin and it should help. First of all I take evening primrose, and I have great CM. And I hate Robitussin. So unless my CM is hostile and killing our little solders’ I am fine.
So yeah that is how my Thanksgiving lunch went, and now I get to go to my sister’s house for dinner. Yeah me…..

Wishing, and hoping....

Here I am again creeping up on being obsessed again. I finally let myself look at my calendar to see what CD I am on, which is 9. But I think I seriously cannot let myself become consumed again. But I like to keep track of my cycle. I like to know when I am going to expect AF. I don’t find that wrong.
When do you stop hoping? It’s funny every month I am hopeful. Then we try on what we hope are my fertile days and then the fun begins. The 2WW and depression already kicks in. Can’t I just stay in the fun part? I love the part when you end your cycle and then you can “try” for your little baby. It’s almost as if you have some control on what’s happening. But I know better. So why the heck do I do this to myself? I know loads of ladies on Baby zone and on this blog know what I’m saying. But I just can’t stop hoping….

Stomach pains and eating cookies

I dont have much to say today, other then my stomach hurts. It has been hurting for months now. I went to the doctor two months ago and everything is normal. So I guess I have IBS, which sucks!!!! So tonight I decided to make peanut butter and ginger bread cookies and had some with egg nog. Did this help my stomach? NOPE! But it sure was good. So I just wanted to let people know I'm still around, and still praying for a baby naturally and on accident. LOL!!!

Who am I?

I find myself wondering this lately, who am I? Ever since we have begun trying for a baby almost two and a half years ago I seriously don’t know who I am anymore. Maybe God is changing me....? I cannot let go of this dream of a baby. I have tried trust me! I want to not obsess, I want to be carefree. But how can I when all I ever wonder is am I ever going to have a baby of my own in my belly? Am I lazy? Do I not pray enough? The lady I work with has told me to fast and to pray. But honestly I don’t like the idea of fasting. I am already moody I don’t need to go without food to be even more moody. And another thing, I think God has planted another seed in my mind. I woke up a couple of weeks ago not wanting to teach art anymore….so now I am on the path of maybe teaching Special Ed. I don’t know. I have a year to figure that out but it’s on my mind of course. Am I such a bad person that I want to have a baby? We don’t have the money for more fertility treatments and I don’t have the energy or the patience to try again on our own. Every month I feel happy until the 2WW, then I am so nervous and expecting to not be pregnant which in turn bums me out. Then I wonder why do people who don’t even believe in God get pregnant? Am I not giving enough? I don’t know how to be closer to God. I thought I was close to God but now I don’t know. Then every month I feel defeated and almost ready to quit and then I get hope again. I can’t get rid of this huge desire of wanting a baby. Who am I?