Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween was a bust

Tonight my DH and I went to my sisters house like we do every year. We go so that we can follow our neices and nephews around a neighborhood for two hours as if we are having fun. My mom and my sister God love them but sometimes we get on each others nerves, and tonight was no exception. I was having a pity party inside my head all by myself so they just kept getting in the way. I was feel angry at my mom for being able to have my sister and I. I was angry at my sister for being able to have my nieces, and I was very angry with my sister in law for being able to pop out five kids....yes I said five. And of course my sister in law had to say a baby comment about when we have our babies. was that type of night. So needless to say I am in a great mood and I was hoping tonight would be a nice evening for the dh and I to get down and dirty. But I have absolutly no interest what so ever in having sex. And to be really honest I have had interest in sex since this baby making thing started being a chore. I am struggling to stay afloat and stay happy, but its a struggle everyday. When am I going to be happy again? I still cannot believe that I am in this situation. What happened to my care free days of not caring about my future, well at least in a way of being optimisitc. I was looking at some pictures last night of when I was 17 and was in Paris, God I miss those days as if I am missing a person who died. Have I died in a way? I honestly dont know who the hell I am anymore. I am for the most part thinking about when when when, and not ever thinking about now. I can hardly get through a day without thinking well when I get pregnant and have a baby I will be happy...if only. And today I was bargaining with if!? God is going to do whatever God wants to do not matter what I say. "If we only have one thats ok, if we could at least have one." "If we end of with twins or more, great if only for those." "If our child has special needs, fine, just give me a flipping child." So needless to say there was a lot going on in this brain of mine for the past two days. And btw the Halloween party....not so fun. I got a migrane by the end of the night and went home. Wow what a party animal I am.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Another day another dollar

So tonight we are going to a Halloween party. I am excited, but I was looking forward to my DH getting home early to try today....ahem if you know what I mean. Even though I know its pointless, but I am telling you I have brain washed myself for two years into thinking non-stop about baby, baby, baby, AHHHH! I am driving myself nutters. And I have been told so many times, stop stressing, stop stressing. Blah blah blah. And now I am watching a DVR recorded Private Practice and one of the couples is talking about having babies. Seriously babies are everywhere. Well my husband is late as usual. He is a police officer, and our life is always "oh I have a late call" or "oh there was an accident." or "oh I have a report". Ok so this ends up making us fight and then there goes the fun evening I was hoping for. As Jersey Shore girls would say or at least Snookie says FML! OK I need to go make some fun earrings for my Renaissance costume. TTYL!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

We are all fine here

I have been thinking about getting pregnant. Which I do all the time but tonight I had a wonderful quaint fall like dinner with my mom and I began to think....I want my mom to see my babies. She will be 61 in April and I want her around for our babies like she has been for my sister's babies. She was showing me new shirts she bought for my nieces and it hit me, I need to have a now. And no it's not just for my mom but seriously I feel this stagnant in my life. Don't get me wrong I am super busy, I work full time and I do online school. I graduate next November and then I just need to find a teaching job. I am an artist, and I have a steady social life. I'm plenty busy. But when I went to visit a good friend's baby I knew this was what I wanted. When the sweet baby girl stretched and cooed on my lap I was in love. I know we need a baby. But why the hell is it not happening?! We are both healthy and there is nothing wrong with either one of us. That is why I am tired and heart sick of waiting for our little bean. Yet I know if I keep praying and asking God for a healthy baby that it will happen, but after two years and 3 months I am getting impatient and not sure if I should keep going on praying. I so want to go have an IUI but my hubby is worried about multiples and not having enough money. I agree but it doesnt turn off the want for a baby. So I am trying to busy myself but its hard when I had a dream the other night and I had taken a pregnancy test and it was positive. I remember walking up to my husband and giggling and showing him the test. God I was so happy and so was he. I so want to know what thats like, to have a pregnany test be positive for once. Blah blah blah....

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Insurance and God

Gemini Pictures, Images and Photos

So today I decided that I was going to call my new insurance, the one that I am paying two hundred dollars more for a month. The insurance that was supposed to cover 6 IUI attempts..Well I wanted to know what would I actually be paying for when I went in. The man goes to tell me well back in 08-09 we did cover that, but now we dont. UMMM what?! Yeah so here we stand again. God you win! I am no longer fretting over all of this junk. I have got to live my life again. I cannot believe how consuming this baby making has gotten. Like I told my sister now that I cant get pregnant it changes the whole dynamic. Now I want to make it happen. Anyway I am now going to talk about other things. I am making these fun earrings that I saw on a website. They are just long chain like earrings. My DH calls me a pirate when I wear them. But they are so funky and cool. There is a lady that sells them, check on Kandee Johnsons page, she is a make up artist who was giving one away for a contest. She is on my blogs I follow.
My next project. Four canvases with Patience,Love, Pray, and Trust. These will be mixed media. Maybe when I do them I will show ya. I am excited for a new chapter mentally in my life. TTYL!
Here is my new obsession...caterpillars....These are Monarch caterpillars.





Saturday, October 16, 2010

Just dont know where to go from here....

So its been a long time or so it feels since I last blogged. My hubby and I stopped trying for our little baby. We did not try last month and honeslty I cant remember when we tried last. Last month when AF showed I seriously cried for days. And I cannot shake it. I know we have only done three rounds of Clomid and we have been only trying naturally, but we tried for two years. How can we get it wrong that many times? I just dont think its us, I think its not meant to be at this time. Yet I still cant feel ok with that. I looked into going to a Chinese medicine doctor who was recommended by my IVF doctor. But I am so sick of let downs that I am scared to go back to the IVF doc or a chinese medicine man. I think I am showing signs of depression, so I have been trying so hard to do the things I love such as my art. I am still in school and have one more year left, but I am so sad that we are still not pregnant. Well anyway, I am so happy for the ladies that have gotten their positive preggo tests. I have loved watching yall's journey. Well until later ...