Friday, July 23, 2010
So tomorrow is the day...it has come...I am co-hosting a baby shower. Dear God could you please stop laughing at me and impregnate me already please!!! Seriously I feel like this is all a huge freaking joke. Two years later and I am still in hopes of having a baby that looks like my husband and I. I even had a dream about a little girl who was around one or two. She was fair like me and she had dark brown hair with curls. Her little chubby legs spilled out from under her little shirt and her sweet face looked like me. TORTURE!!! I have had a few dreams of babies but nothing like this. Then honestly it freaks me out because I want to have my own baby. I am not saying that I am right, I know I should adopt. But honestly I am not teaching yet and my husband makes more money than I do, but we really struggle. I will be teaching hopefully in two years but until than we cannot afford to adopt. And I really don’t want to go back to the RE because I don’t want to be poked and prodded again. I want to have a baby “on accident”. Funny huh? I know I am full of laughs these days. How could I seriously think that I could make myself not want a baby? I can make myself calm down, but when I get around pregnant women my heart aches. Well good luck to me and let’s pray that I don’t go hide in the bathroom and cry tomorrow. LOL here’s hoping.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Just recently I have begun to really want to be pretty again, which has my husband worried. Ah blah blah. I really just starting thinking- girl you better work what yo mama gave ya or you are going to be left in the corner cryin' ! So I have damn it! Well and shooting these youtube videos really gives you a perspective on yourself. But instead of hating my voice, my teeth, my boobs, I started thinking hey I kinda like myself. I am funny and ridiculous, but at least I'm not boring. DUH!!! So hear I sit reading my fav blogs and lovin' my new found self again. I am a pixie lovin, art creatin', make-up wearin', and hair stylin' fool yo! And so the freak what?! Anyway I sat at home all day and did homework, I also did two videos. I am highly entertained by it and so I must continue my plight. Tomorrow is another day people and I shall be pretty!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
SO I have a bean in my bonnet and I want a tattoo. But of course my husband hates them so I have to feel bad and not get one. I told him why would I get one if you would hate the way it looks on me? UGH! I am almost 30 years old I am tired of pleasing everyone else but myself. I am on a new journey in my life.....doing for me! I want to do what I want. So my two best friends and I are going to start talking about this tattoo thing. Who knows I might chicken out but hey I want the choice damnit!
K so this is the deal. I am now on youtube. I know can you believe it? So if you want to see me and how weird I am come on down. I will have an intro video sometime tomorrow, so come by and check my weird self out.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
So I had a realization on the 4th of July. I have really lost myself due to TTC. I don’t even know myself anymore. My friends and I started talking about high school days, and I really began to mourn. I mourned myself of who I used to be. I have stopped dreaming, I have stopped creating and I am lost. I still feel this way a little bit. Every day I wake up and I am waiting for my old self to come around the corner, but she never does. I miss her, I really do. I miss excitement, I miss waiting….waiting and more waiting. Even when I was on my fantastic vacation with my husband I still had this hole in my chest. What was worse was when I went to my dad’s house and got all of that abandonment all over again. All I could think about was making a baby, making a baby. UGH!!! Then I thought to myself do I want a baby or am I just upset because I can’t make it happen? I feel like it’s a test that I have to complete. Now if I get pregnant, that would be freaking amazing!!! I am worried about money and not being focused enough to finish school work. But if God gave us a baby I would be complete. For so long I have been trying to push myself. Stay disciplined, if you don’t you will sink. Well I am sinking. I am off for the summer and I think that it’s a bad thing for me. I have no drive and I am being so lazy. I will be 27 at the end of this month and that is really rubbing me the wrong way too. I feel down and out all the time. I have been trying to make myself write, I enjoy starting stories but then I lose interest just as soon as I start. I have no patience in finishing the stories. The only things I can stay focused on are making jewelry. Its concrete and I can see it and hold it. So anyway I am done, I will continue to float and try to dream again.
Friday, July 2, 2010
So I was having a great day today. I went to my sister's house because we were going to do some things for our friend’s baby shower. We were making her a diaper cake which looks soooo cute, and I was working on baby blocks with the babies name on it. I just love being creative. So then we went to see Eclipse and we are with my husband, bro in law and the couple of the girl we are doing the baby shower for. She is 26 weeks along and she is just too cool, love her. So my hubby and I go home and I go to the bathroom and look who the hell it is. THE BITCH HAS SHOWED, AND I AM PISSED!!! But then again I am pissed at myself for even believing that we will one day be pregnant. Pessimistic much? Yeah you could freaking say that! I am just so sick and tired of getting my stupid lowly hopes up and then I am crushed every time. I want to smoke, drink and eat and not worry about my fat ass and my cholesterol. I want to be free from my fear of one day not being alive. But no, here I am obsessing about being a freaking mom! WTF doubly!!! Ever since I started this jail sentence all I have thought about was well once you have a baby that means you are closer to dying. Why do I torture myself? I enjoy it. Yeah right, no I don’t know I am just Looney what can I say? Anyway I am stressed, I am forcing myself to work out to get my cholesterol down so I don’t stroke out any day now and I want to lose some weight so I can actually like looking at myself in a mirror. Am I sure I need to be attempting this mommy thing? I am a basket case! UGH IIIIII ANNOY MYSELF SERIOUSLY! Ok I am done. I am going to do some homework in order to make myself feel like I am going to be teaching soon and making more money and not being pay check to paycheck. Sorry I am soooooo depressed and pissed right now. I will be nicer tomorrow I know. Now just for that cigarette and cupcake and I will be right as rain. After I walk on the treadmill with lady gaga screaming in my ears. HA!