Halloween was a bust

Tonight my DH and I went to my sisters house like we do every year. We go so that we can follow our neices and nephews around a neighborhood for two hours as if we are having fun. My mom and my sister God love them but sometimes we get on each others nerves, and tonight was no exception. I was having a pity party inside my head all by myself so they just kept getting in the way. I was feel angry at my mom for being able to have my sister and I. I was angry at my sister for being able to have my nieces, and I was very angry with my sister in law for being able to pop out five kids....yes I said five. And of course my sister in law had to say a baby comment about when we have our babies. Yeah.....it was that type of night. So needless to say I am in a great mood and I was hoping tonight would be a nice evening for the dh and I to get down and dirty. But I have absolutly no interest what so ever in having sex. And to be really honest I have had interest in sex since this baby making thing started being a chore. I am struggling to stay afloat and stay happy, but its a struggle everyday. When am I going to be happy again? I still cannot believe that I am in this situation. What happened to my care free days of not caring about my future, well at least in a way of being optimisitc. I was looking at some pictures last night of when I was 17 and was in Paris, God I miss those days as if I am missing a person who died. Have I died in a way? I honestly dont know who the hell I am anymore. I am for the most part thinking about when when when, and not ever thinking about now. I can hardly get through a day without thinking well when I get pregnant and have a baby I will be happy...if only. And today I was bargaining with God....as if!? God is going to do whatever God wants to do not matter what I say. "If we only have one thats ok, if we could at least have one." "If we end of with twins or more, great if only for those." "If our child has special needs, fine, just give me a flipping child." So needless to say there was a lot going on in this brain of mine for the past two days. And btw the Halloween party....not so fun. I got a migrane by the end of the night and went home. Wow what a party animal I am.