My dreams are back...or are they?

So I had a realization on the 4th of July. I have really lost myself due to TTC. I don’t even know myself anymore. My friends and I started talking about high school days, and I really began to mourn. I mourned myself of who I used to be. I have stopped dreaming, I have stopped creating and I am lost. I still feel this way a little bit. Every day I wake up and I am waiting for my old self to come around the corner, but she never does. I miss her, I really do. I miss excitement, I miss waiting….waiting and more waiting. Even when I was on my fantastic vacation with my husband I still had this hole in my chest. What was worse was when I went to my dad’s house and got all of that abandonment all over again. All I could think about was making a baby, making a baby. UGH!!! Then I thought to myself do I want a baby or am I just upset because I can’t make it happen? I feel like it’s a test that I have to complete. Now if I get pregnant, that would be freaking amazing!!! I am worried about money and not being focused enough to finish school work. But if God gave us a baby I would be complete. For so long I have been trying to push myself. Stay disciplined, if you don’t you will sink. Well I am sinking. I am off for the summer and I think that it’s a bad thing for me. I have no drive and I am being so lazy. I will be 27 at the end of this month and that is really rubbing me the wrong way too. I feel down and out all the time. I have been trying to make myself write, I enjoy starting stories but then I lose interest just as soon as I start. I have no patience in finishing the stories. The only things I can stay focused on are making jewelry. Its concrete and I can see it and hold it. So anyway I am done, I will continue to float and try to dream again.