2011

Hello everyone I’m finally writing again. Christmas was fun; we had some friends over for dinner since my mom and sister were out of town this year. I talked to my dad which I have not spoken to him in three months. We have a very weird relationship or a pretend relationship. My parents divorced when I was nine and my dad moved to California. So needless to say I don’t know my dad at all. So we are going to try again to have some type of normal relationship this year. And as for 2011? I am going to lose weight and I mean it this time, no more joke. I know I can be healthy and skinny and maybe even get knocked up by doing it....here’s to hoping!

Not much to say

As I look outside of my kitchen window tonight I see that my neighbor has put white lights on the ground around her trees. I absolutely love this, especially when it’s late at night and it’s so quite outside, it looks like something out of a fairy tale. For once I have looked forward to Christmas. Don’t get me wrong I always celebrate and I am so joyful that Jesus was born this day. But this year is different. I am off for two weeks which I always am, and I love it. It gives me time to do anything I want to do. But this year my sister and mom are all out of town. Where are they? DISNEY Freaking WORLD! That’s ok it’s all going to be ok. Anyway I am in a silent pensive kind of mood right now. I am tired and trying to not think about anything important. Merry Christmas to all!

Am I wrong or just normal?

Am I normal? I ask myself this question all the time. I compare myself to others all the time. “I’m not that good of an artist as her.” “I’m not a good enough writer” “She deserves a baby.” And I don’t deserve all of these things?! I do! Anyway my point of this is I have a friend who is going to have her embryos implanted tomorrow. Now don’t get me wrong I am happy for her. But now that we are down to the wire I am getting a slight tinge of envy. Why wouldn’t I? We have been trying two years and four months with no luck whereas they have been trying only 3 months naturally, one month on Clomid, and now IVF. But then again they are loaded and she is 42. Anyway I am just trying to stay positive and accept myself for who I am. I just get on my nerves.

Just maybe

So much for trying on my fertile days, Sunday I got a nice head cold that is almost gone today. Why does this seem to always happen? TMI is about to happen here so get ready. The DH and I BD on CD 10 and 12. I think I O’d on CD 13 or 14. SO let’s pray that just maybe by a sheer miracle we got the egg before it came down. UGH!!! The 2 WW is here. Good luck to everybody.

All I want for Christmas....

I am kind of excited right now. Why you might ask? Well I asked the hubby if we could really try this month. I so want to be pregnant by Xmas, what a wonderful gift that would be. He said sure but you will get sad if it doesn’t happen. I said I know but I’m really trying to be stress free and I have been, well at least not depressed about not being pregnant yet. We are doing the every other day method in hopes to catch the egg before and after. My cycles have become longer whereas they used to be 24 days now we are at 30; so maybe that has been messing me up and the stress on my emotional well being maybe affected my eggies. Who knows I am trying anything right about now. Since we are not able to afford the IF treatments I will take good care of myself and the hubby and try to remain stress free. HA! Ok off to do some homework. Hope all is well in everyone else’s baby world!

Happy Turkey day and an interesting topic...

Well first of all Happy Gobble Gobble day! And now here is my interesting topic of the day. I was over at my mom's last night cooking for today and we began to watch a show on Discovery Health Channel. This show was about four women three from the U.K. and one from NY, these women all had children of their own already. And when I say that I don’t say it lightly, they each had either 6 or 4 boys. But these women were determined to have a girl. So....they began to take some type of injection drug that would help them in getting a female embryo. I know, I know, it makes me sick too. And by the way if I am offending anyone I apologize but this makes me soooo mad!!!
These women already have healthy children that they bore themselves yet they still were "depressed" because they wanted a daughter so much. Seriously?!! What made me even more disturbed was when one woman goes into see what gender she is having. The x-ray tech says are you ready? This woman says "I think I see what it is" she then proceeds to cover her face and cry. Her husband is sitting next to her and he hugs her. But oh get this; she says "well he is cute”. WTF?????? You better say that you lunatic or you are going to give this kid and complex when he watches this on TV when he is older. I honestly wanted to punch each and everyone one of these women. Let’s just line them up and begin smacking them around a little bit. And one of the other women who was in her mid forties had been trying for 20 years for a girl. Ok now that is plain out crazy. I know I'm obsessed but that’s down right retarded. And I don’t care how old you are, if you are trying for a baby and you are in your late 30’s early 40’s and you just got married I get it. But no if you already have 6 of your own enough is enough!!! These women need to be strapped into a straight jacket and tossed into a padded cell for a little while. That will make them love their boys real quick.


Ok that’s that, and another fun topic. As we sat at my parent’s dining room table this afternoon, the baby topic gets brought up again by my sister-in-law. God love her but she has five kids and had no problem having them. She means well and is always super sweet but you know us infertiles we get on the defense with fertile women. These are the facts, for me at least. So of course my parents chime in, “oh it will happen when it’s supposed to happen” “it will happen when you are done with school” “it will happen when you are least expecting it”. I’m sorry but I am always expecting it and I will never be able to forget it, so I guess I’m screwed on that hope of becoming oblivious. Then later my sister-in-law says well have you had your CM checked? I said no and I cannot go back to the doc because my deductible is crazy high, this was by ourselves by the way not in front of my parents, that would have been interesting. She then said well take Robitussin and it should help. First of all I take evening primrose, and I have great CM. And I hate Robitussin. So unless my CM is hostile and killing our little solders’ I am fine.
So yeah that is how my Thanksgiving lunch went, and now I get to go to my sister’s house for dinner. Yeah me…..

Wishing, and hoping....

Here I am again creeping up on being obsessed again. I finally let myself look at my calendar to see what CD I am on, which is 9. But I think I seriously cannot let myself become consumed again. But I like to keep track of my cycle. I like to know when I am going to expect AF. I don’t find that wrong.
When do you stop hoping? It’s funny every month I am hopeful. Then we try on what we hope are my fertile days and then the fun begins. The 2WW and depression already kicks in. Can’t I just stay in the fun part? I love the part when you end your cycle and then you can “try” for your little baby. It’s almost as if you have some control on what’s happening. But I know better. So why the heck do I do this to myself? I know loads of ladies on Baby zone and on this blog know what I’m saying. But I just can’t stop hoping….

Stomach pains and eating cookies

I dont have much to say today, other then my stomach hurts. It has been hurting for months now. I went to the doctor two months ago and everything is normal. So I guess I have IBS, which sucks!!!! So tonight I decided to make peanut butter and ginger bread cookies and had some with egg nog. Did this help my stomach? NOPE! But it sure was good. So I just wanted to let people know I'm still around, and still praying for a baby naturally and on accident. LOL!!!

Who am I?

I find myself wondering this lately, who am I? Ever since we have begun trying for a baby almost two and a half years ago I seriously don’t know who I am anymore. Maybe God is changing me....? I cannot let go of this dream of a baby. I have tried trust me! I want to not obsess, I want to be carefree. But how can I when all I ever wonder is am I ever going to have a baby of my own in my belly? Am I lazy? Do I not pray enough? The lady I work with has told me to fast and to pray. But honestly I don’t like the idea of fasting. I am already moody I don’t need to go without food to be even more moody. And another thing, I think God has planted another seed in my mind. I woke up a couple of weeks ago not wanting to teach art anymore….so now I am on the path of maybe teaching Special Ed. I don’t know. I have a year to figure that out but it’s on my mind of course. Am I such a bad person that I want to have a baby? We don’t have the money for more fertility treatments and I don’t have the energy or the patience to try again on our own. Every month I feel happy until the 2WW, then I am so nervous and expecting to not be pregnant which in turn bums me out. Then I wonder why do people who don’t even believe in God get pregnant? Am I not giving enough? I don’t know how to be closer to God. I thought I was close to God but now I don’t know. Then every month I feel defeated and almost ready to quit and then I get hope again. I can’t get rid of this huge desire of wanting a baby. Who am I?

Halloween was a bust

Tonight my DH and I went to my sisters house like we do every year. We go so that we can follow our neices and nephews around a neighborhood for two hours as if we are having fun. My mom and my sister God love them but sometimes we get on each others nerves, and tonight was no exception. I was having a pity party inside my head all by myself so they just kept getting in the way. I was feel angry at my mom for being able to have my sister and I. I was angry at my sister for being able to have my nieces, and I was very angry with my sister in law for being able to pop out five kids....yes I said five. And of course my sister in law had to say a baby comment about when we have our babies. Yeah.....it was that type of night. So needless to say I am in a great mood and I was hoping tonight would be a nice evening for the dh and I to get down and dirty. But I have absolutly no interest what so ever in having sex. And to be really honest I have had interest in sex since this baby making thing started being a chore. I am struggling to stay afloat and stay happy, but its a struggle everyday. When am I going to be happy again? I still cannot believe that I am in this situation. What happened to my care free days of not caring about my future, well at least in a way of being optimisitc. I was looking at some pictures last night of when I was 17 and was in Paris, God I miss those days as if I am missing a person who died. Have I died in a way? I honestly dont know who the hell I am anymore. I am for the most part thinking about when when when, and not ever thinking about now. I can hardly get through a day without thinking well when I get pregnant and have a baby I will be happy...if only. And today I was bargaining with God....as if!? God is going to do whatever God wants to do not matter what I say. "If we only have one thats ok, if we could at least have one." "If we end of with twins or more, great if only for those." "If our child has special needs, fine, just give me a flipping child." So needless to say there was a lot going on in this brain of mine for the past two days. And btw the Halloween party....not so fun. I got a migrane by the end of the night and went home. Wow what a party animal I am.

Another day another dollar

So tonight we are going to a Halloween party. I am excited, but I was looking forward to my DH getting home early to try today....ahem if you know what I mean. Even though I know its pointless, but I am telling you I have brain washed myself for two years into thinking non-stop about baby, baby, baby, AHHHH! I am driving myself nutters. And I have been told so many times, stop stressing, stop stressing. Blah blah blah. And now I am watching a DVR recorded Private Practice and one of the couples is talking about having babies. Seriously babies are everywhere. Well my husband is late as usual. He is a police officer, and our life is always "oh I have a late call" or "oh there was an accident." or "oh I have a report". Ok so this ends up making us fight and then there goes the fun evening I was hoping for. As Jersey Shore girls would say or at least Snookie says FML! OK I need to go make some fun earrings for my Renaissance costume. TTYL!

We are all fine here

I have been thinking about getting pregnant. Which I do all the time but tonight I had a wonderful quaint fall like dinner with my mom and I began to think....I want my mom to see my babies. She will be 61 in April and I want her around for our babies like she has been for my sister's babies. She was showing me new shirts she bought for my nieces and it hit me, I need to have a baby...like now. And no it's not just for my mom but seriously I feel this stagnant in my life. Don't get me wrong I am super busy, I work full time and I do online school. I graduate next November and then I just need to find a teaching job. I am an artist, and I have a steady social life. I'm plenty busy. But when I went to visit a good friend's baby I knew this was what I wanted. When the sweet baby girl stretched and cooed on my lap I was in love. I know we need a baby. But why the hell is it not happening?! We are both healthy and there is nothing wrong with either one of us. That is why I am tired and heart sick of waiting for our little bean. Yet I know if I keep praying and asking God for a healthy baby that it will happen, but after two years and 3 months I am getting impatient and not sure if I should keep going on praying. I so want to go have an IUI but my hubby is worried about multiples and not having enough money. I agree but it doesnt turn off the want for a baby. So I am trying to busy myself but its hard when I had a dream the other night and I had taken a pregnancy test and it was positive. I remember walking up to my husband and giggling and showing him the test. God I was so happy and so was he. I so want to know what thats like, to have a pregnany test be positive for once. Blah blah blah....

Insurance and God

So today I decided that I was going to call my new insurance, the one that I am paying two hundred dollars more for a month. The insurance that was supposed to cover 6 IUI attempts..Well I wanted to know what would I actually be paying for when I went in. The man goes to tell me well back in 08-09 we did cover that, but now we dont. UMMM what?! Yeah so here we stand again. God you win! I am no longer fretting over all of this junk. I have got to live my life again. I cannot believe how consuming this baby making has gotten. Like I told my sister now that I cant get pregnant it changes the whole dynamic. Now I want to make it happen. Anyway I am now going to talk about other things. I am making these fun earrings that I saw on a website. They are just long chain like earrings. My DH calls me a pirate when I wear them. But they are so funky and cool. There is a lady that sells them, check on Kandee Johnsons page, she is a make up artist who was giving one away for a contest. She is on my blogs I follow.
My next project. Four canvases with Patience,Love, Pray, and Trust. These will be mixed media. Maybe when I do them I will show ya. I am excited for a new chapter mentally in my life. TTYL!
Here is my new obsession...caterpillars....These are Monarch caterpillars.

Just dont know where to go from here....

So its been a long time or so it feels since I last blogged. My hubby and I stopped trying for our little baby. We did not try last month and honeslty I cant remember when we tried last. Last month when AF showed I seriously cried for days. And I cannot shake it. I know we have only done three rounds of Clomid and we have been only trying naturally, but we tried for two years. How can we get it wrong that many times? I just dont think its us, I think its not meant to be at this time. Yet I still cant feel ok with that. I looked into going to a Chinese medicine doctor who was recommended by my IVF doctor. But I am so sick of let downs that I am scared to go back to the IVF doc or a chinese medicine man. I think I am showing signs of depression, so I have been trying so hard to do the things I love such as my art. I am still in school and have one more year left, but I am so sad that we are still not pregnant. Well anyway, I am so happy for the ladies that have gotten their positive preggo tests. I have loved watching yall's journey. Well until later ...

Wishing and hoping and waiting....

Well I know that it is pointless in getting my hopes up. And I know we have all been there. Our period is a day late or two or three...and we are so sure we could be pregnant. But then AF shows up and says ha ha biatch you thought you lost me didnt cha?! Yeah so that is where I am. I am a 27 day cycle kind of girl and I am on day 28 and no sign of AF. My boobs are sooooo sore and have been for a week. And I am super gassy and bloated. But that is always me. I usually get a repreive from gassy and bloated every now and then. Anyway so silly hopeful me took a pregnancy test and duh it was negative. But seriously can I just see a positive once God? I just would love to know what thats like. And then I get a Parents magazine in the mail today. UGH!!!! Ok so anyway, I just needed to vent and now I need to be productive. TTYL!

Money sucks

So after much prayer the DH and I have given into the fact that we are going to wait on going to the doc. I am not happy about this by any means but we are broke. I have one more year of school and still have to beg for a teaching job after that. My DH is a police officer but he has gone back to school as well. So needless to say we are stretching ourselves. And like my DH and I said if we go the doc again and go through with IUI I could get pregnant with multiples and then what would we do? So God is leading me in the direction of just waiting on getting pregnant, at least by a doctor. So anyway I wont have much to say except about random things. I love seeing how you guys are doing and I keep checking on yalls baby journeys and I still pray for yall too. Until later TTYL!

Insurance coming sooner

Well I have gotten some better news, I get to switch my insurance over sooner rather then later. So maybe I will get to go back to see the doctor again, maybe the end of October. I am super excited but still bummed that I have to go again. We are going to go forward with our first IUI, I am going to do injections if I can. My insurance covers 6 IUI attempts but I dont think it covers injections. So hopefully I can afford these shots. Now for my gripes. Because you know I have to have one. I just found out a lady I used to work with is pregnant. She just got married, and has endo. Yet they got pregnant right away. I just dont get it, we have been married five years this year. And I know this is TMI but when my OPK was positive three days ago DH had school until 9 pm and gets home too late. We tried but we were both so tired, so it was frustrating and pointless. So again we tried the next two days and it was crap again. So I know we are going back to the doctor but I still have this slight glimmer of hope that we will get knocked up on our own. Fat chance. Whatever I am off to watch crap TV.

Wanting to dream of baby but apprehensive....

So as I sit here I am craving a cupcake. I have wanted a cupcake for days now. I just want a cupcake!!! Ok enough of that jazz; I have started working again after a nice long summer. I was ready to work again; I know who wants to work? Well I have come to the conclusion that I need structure....yes I really do.
I found myself rather bored on those long days all by myself. And it didn’t help that all I thought about were babies. Is it odd that I so want to decorate the extra room for a baby, yeah a baby that is not even growing in my empty slimy uterus. I even found this amazing rocking chair that it overstuffed and sooooo comfy on the side of the road two weeks ago. Look I know that sounded odd but I like good finds that so happen to be in the trash. Anyway I digress I want to cover it with an absolutely to die for fabric I saw at Hobby Lobby. The fabric was a circus themed toile; I know so cute it’s sickening right? Yeah I have that effect on people. I bore people to death with things I think are cute and fun. Seriously ask my friends and family. Even my dog gets bored with me. Again I digress, now listen I don’t like clowns and circuses concern me with animal abuse and all being a hot topic. Those poor elephants, but the idea of a circus intrigues me and makes me feel magical and whimsy.
So back to the baby room, the room is a bright cheery yellow which I was going to keep but there are some cracks in the walls due to an older home trait. So paint will need to be had here. Also I am a huge renaissance, fairy loving, dragon loving, elf kind of girl. Again I know I am strange cookie, but this is just how I role and as my Jersey shore folks would say “I’m doing me.” Or would Drake say that, I need to consort with my besties on that one. Anyway I would love to be like those ladies out there that start picking up baby clothes here and there or picking up little booties they can’t resist. Trust me it has crossed my mind. But I honestly feel like I would be tempting fate. I do not believe in superstitions’ at all; let me get that across now. I think they are highly interesting but I don’t believe in them. But honestly after two years TTC this month I am not trying to anger any unforeseen “Gods”. I need all the help I can get.
So with that being said I am sitting on my hands and trying to not do anything in that room. So it stays lonely as a boring extra bedroom. With a bed and a bookcase. My mom told me that her and my dad bought my sister and me our baby crib before she was even pregnant. Talk about torture!!!! Holy crap, if I had a crib in our extra room and after these two long years I would be in a mental hospital. I don’t need a reminder of not being able to have our own creation. Thanks but no thanks.
So even though the idea of making or buying anything baby sounds highly ,highly, highly appealing I will leave it alone, and not tempt God or anyone else who wants to get involved with my husband’s sperm or my uterus thank you very much.

A dinner with pregnant ladies

So tonight I had dinner with my sister and her best friend who is pregnant, and along with her came another friend who is pregnant. I thought it wouldn’t bother me but it started to. My sister’s best friend is sooo nice and I love her, but I think she thinks that every conversation we have has to be about babies. And her friend who is pregnant asked me so when are babies happening? I laughed and said well we have been trying for two years and that’s not happening. She laughed and said well we know where you should go, as she laughs and points at her protruding stomach. They did IUI about three times. So whatever!!!! I went to my first counseling session before dinner. I have daddy issues so I need some help in figuring out dependency issues. I am hoping going there will help ease my mind and help me relax; maybe I can convince my uterus to hang on to a fertilized egg. HA HA! Anyway I am watching the real world and it is highly entertaining. Ta ta!

today is another day...

I don’t know what it is but it seems that every day I wake up there are new things to do and I feel differently about things. I just don’t know how I am supposed to stay firm on things when God decides to keep changing my mind. What am I referring to you ask, getting knocked up of course. The DH and I have not been trying for two months. And let me tell ya that is a long time to not try for our little sweat pea. Like I have said before we were going to bite the bullet and go to the doc and do IUI with Clomid. Well crazy lady that I am decided I was enjoying my freedom (and in the back of my naïve mind I thought if we don’t try it would happen, HA HA!). So he we are again, so I am going to call my benefits peeps and ask about the fertility coverage. I am actually on hold right now as I type, I am that anxious and well I am also typing a paper for school on child abuse and it is wearing me down so I needed a break. Well now they are telling me they don’t have any type of coverage….great. The lady I am speaking to is researching and I am on hold. OK so there is full coverage as long as you are on the medical completely. I am so excited! So I just finished my paper and I need to get out of my house. So when I get back I am going to look over the info she gave me. Looks like my 27th will be ok after all 

I want a baby shower!!! DAMN IT!

So tomorrow is the day...it has come...I am co-hosting a baby shower. Dear God could you please stop laughing at me and impregnate me already please!!! Seriously I feel like this is all a huge freaking joke. Two years later and I am still in hopes of having a baby that looks like my husband and I. I even had a dream about a little girl who was around one or two. She was fair like me and she had dark brown hair with curls. Her little chubby legs spilled out from under her little shirt and her sweet face looked like me. TORTURE!!! I have had a few dreams of babies but nothing like this. Then honestly it freaks me out because I want to have my own baby. I am not saying that I am right, I know I should adopt. But honestly I am not teaching yet and my husband makes more money than I do, but we really struggle. I will be teaching hopefully in two years but until than we cannot afford to adopt. And I really don’t want to go back to the RE because I don’t want to be poked and prodded again. I want to have a baby “on accident”. Funny huh? I know I am full of laughs these days. How could I seriously think that I could make myself not want a baby? I can make myself calm down, but when I get around pregnant women my heart aches. Well good luck to me and let’s pray that I don’t go hide in the bathroom and cry tomorrow. LOL here’s hoping.

I think I'm pretty....

Just recently I have begun to really want to be pretty again, which has my husband worried. Ah blah blah. I really just starting thinking- girl you better work what yo mama gave ya or you are going to be left in the corner cryin' ! So I have damn it! Well and shooting these youtube videos really gives you a perspective on yourself. But instead of hating my voice, my teeth, my boobs, I started thinking hey I kinda like myself. I am funny and ridiculous, but at least I'm not boring. DUH!!! So hear I sit reading my fav blogs and lovin' my new found self again. I am a pixie lovin, art creatin', make-up wearin', and hair stylin' fool yo! And so the freak what?! Anyway I sat at home all day and did homework, I also did two videos. I am highly entertained by it and so I must continue my plight. Tomorrow is another day people and I shall be pretty!

To tattoo or not to tattoo

SO I have a bean in my bonnet and I want a tattoo. But of course my husband hates them so I have to feel bad and not get one. I told him why would I get one if you would hate the way it looks on me? UGH! I am almost 30 years old I am tired of pleasing everyone else but myself. I am on a new journey in my life.....doing for me! I want to do what I want. So my two best friends and I are going to start talking about this tattoo thing. Who knows I might chicken out but hey I want the choice damnit!

youtube people!!!

K so this is the deal. I am now on youtube. I know can you believe it? So if you want to see me and how weird I am come on down. I will have an intro video sometime tomorrow, so come by and check my weird self out.


http://www.youtube.com/user/Fairelady5

My dreams are back...or are they?

So I had a realization on the 4th of July. I have really lost myself due to TTC. I don’t even know myself anymore. My friends and I started talking about high school days, and I really began to mourn. I mourned myself of who I used to be. I have stopped dreaming, I have stopped creating and I am lost. I still feel this way a little bit. Every day I wake up and I am waiting for my old self to come around the corner, but she never does. I miss her, I really do. I miss excitement, I miss waiting….waiting and more waiting. Even when I was on my fantastic vacation with my husband I still had this hole in my chest. What was worse was when I went to my dad’s house and got all of that abandonment all over again. All I could think about was making a baby, making a baby. UGH!!! Then I thought to myself do I want a baby or am I just upset because I can’t make it happen? I feel like it’s a test that I have to complete. Now if I get pregnant, that would be freaking amazing!!! I am worried about money and not being focused enough to finish school work. But if God gave us a baby I would be complete. For so long I have been trying to push myself. Stay disciplined, if you don’t you will sink. Well I am sinking. I am off for the summer and I think that it’s a bad thing for me. I have no drive and I am being so lazy. I will be 27 at the end of this month and that is really rubbing me the wrong way too. I feel down and out all the time. I have been trying to make myself write, I enjoy starting stories but then I lose interest just as soon as I start. I have no patience in finishing the stories. The only things I can stay focused on are making jewelry. Its concrete and I can see it and hold it. So anyway I am done, I will continue to float and try to dream again.

The bitch is here!

So I was having a great day today. I went to my sister's house because we were going to do some things for our friend’s baby shower. We were making her a diaper cake which looks soooo cute, and I was working on baby blocks with the babies name on it. I just love being creative. So then we went to see Eclipse and we are with my husband, bro in law and the couple of the girl we are doing the baby shower for. She is 26 weeks along and she is just too cool, love her. So my hubby and I go home and I go to the bathroom and look who the hell it is. THE BITCH HAS SHOWED, AND I AM PISSED!!! But then again I am pissed at myself for even believing that we will one day be pregnant. Pessimistic much? Yeah you could freaking say that! I am just so sick and tired of getting my stupid lowly hopes up and then I am crushed every time. I want to smoke, drink and eat and not worry about my fat ass and my cholesterol. I want to be free from my fear of one day not being alive. But no, here I am obsessing about being a freaking mom! WTF doubly!!! Ever since I started this jail sentence all I have thought about was well once you have a baby that means you are closer to dying. Why do I torture myself? I enjoy it. Yeah right, no I don’t know I am just Looney what can I say? Anyway I am stressed, I am forcing myself to work out to get my cholesterol down so I don’t stroke out any day now and I want to lose some weight so I can actually like looking at myself in a mirror. Am I sure I need to be attempting this mommy thing? I am a basket case! UGH IIIIII ANNOY MYSELF SERIOUSLY! Ok I am done. I am going to do some homework in order to make myself feel like I am going to be teaching soon and making more money and not being pay check to paycheck. Sorry I am soooooo depressed and pissed right now. I will be nicer tomorrow I know. Now just for that cigarette and cupcake and I will be right as rain. After I walk on the treadmill with lady gaga screaming in my ears. HA!

Working out!

So my mom and I finally signed up for the YMCA. We went last night for our first work out. We first started on the sitting down cycling things, not sure of the correct term. I was trying to be smart and "warm up", because I knew that if I injured myself on our first day at the gym I would have said auviour to working out dreams. So we went into our class, which was up a high flight of steps. Not so great for both of us that has bad knees. So we get up there and I am excited people! I am smiling and saying hi to women, in hope to create less tension for myself and for them. And I get a few women who reciprocate but others are just wigged out that they are fat and here at all. I am with ya sister! So my mom and I are giggling and trying to look like we know what we are doing. I told her lets stand in the back so that people cannot see my jiggling ass. Like it matter because later during the work out we have to do a Latin spin thing and you have to shake your hips and butt like you are really into this so my booty was on display for all to see. Ok, ok the class was called Zumba. It is a Latin dancing work out class. I should have known better. I just couldn’t stop looking at these women in front of us that could move their hips in odd ways. All I kept thinking that if I were intoxicated this would be soooo much easier. Or at least my hips would be looser. Anyway 55 minutes later we did it! I was sweating buckets and I was so proud of myself. I have dropped two pounds just this week. I am changing my eating habits. I need to lose at least 45 pounds. I am determined. Anyway still have baby on the brain. I had a dream that a girl I work with was pregnant again with twin boys. I was devastated. I am so nice aren’t I? Can’t it just be me for once God?! Okay I need to get productive I have clothes to fold. This is the only annoying thing to being off for the summer, having to do all the house chores. Oh well love sleeping in!

Monarch butterflies

So I know I am going to sound like a total geek, but this totally made me happy. So the hubby and I have been noticing that our milk weed plants are starting to get chomped on. I had researched and Monarchs usually don’t fly down here to Texas until fall. So for a couple of weeks I kept thinking what in the world is eating this toxic plant? But today I saw two monarchs flying and landing on our butterfly bush. I got soooo excited, like I said I know I am a geek. Anyway so I decided to start snooping around and we both saw black little things stuck to the leaves, eggs? Well I don’t know but I kept looking and there he was a baby monarch caterpillar chomping away. I know this sounds stupid but it’s like preparing something for nature and nature truly taking over. I did it!!! Anyway I have some milk weed seeds, and I am going to plant them in hopes they will be around for fall for the coming Monarchs. Anyway little things make me happy what can I say? :)

Feeling more like myself

Well I have to be honest going to see my dad in California was not one of my brighter ideas. Until today I was feeling negative and down. I felt rejected and abandoned just like I felt as a kid when I was visited them. And I was so pissed at my dad and step-mom for putting me in that position. I also have been feeling pissed at another family member who I thought was my best friend.She has so many repressed feelings that she acts like a OCD jerk all the time to everyone. So here I go again feeling rejectged and abandoned. So I finally decided today screw both of them, they dont run my life I do damn it! So today I slept in, (perks of working in a school), I planted all of my terraniums, cleaned my kitchen,walked my dogs, did my homework, and went to see my in-laws. It was a very productive day. So now tomorrow I get to go eat Chinese food with my mom for lunch, call a friend from work, make my massage apointment, and unfortunatly write a paper. I am so excited about AF showing for once in my life so that I can get onto Clomid. I pray that this works, and if not I am going to make sure I have the money to get my IUI. I am nervous about having a pointy catheder shoved up my vajaja but I am excited to make our baby. I want to have a baby so much now that I can almost feel it actually happening one day. Well anywho tomorrow is another day.

Bored...

So I am here taking care of my nieces and I am feeling bad now that I am not going to Disney with them. I dont think they know yet, and I am not saying a word. I will let my sister deal with that melt down. I am so anxious for AF to come so I can get on that dreaded medicine. But I feel like this is going to be it. I do not believe in superstions, but I just feel it deep down. I am going to carry a creation of mine and my hubbys one day. Well anyway I am really not in the mood to talk about anything right now. I am still on vacation in my head. TTYL.

New lease on life.

Hey guys,
So I am feeling so happy and inspired now. We are back from our two week trip and I finally have the nerve to go ahead and do IUI. We are going to do one more Clomid run with timed intercourse in July and if that doesn't work I am going to get the money together and do Clomid with IUI. We are looking at around $650, so we can totally do that!!! I have finally gotten my hope back again. I know that this is going to happen now. I am feeling so positive again. I am back on my vitamns, eating better, and working out. It is really going to happen. I did have to cancel my Disney trip for Xmas with my family, but the DH and I think that having a bun in the oven is more important than Disney. I think we all agree with that. Till next time....

Vacation and baby on the brain

So we are finally on our vaca. The hubby and I started in Texas and went on into New Mexico. We stayed one night there and then when into Arizona. After seven hours (ugh) we got to the Grand Canyon. AMAZING!!! I cannot believe the United States has this jewel. It is huge I mean huge; so huge your brain cannot wrap itself around the idea of there being something this big in the ground. My husband, Jesus and I were so awe struck. After we left there we went down the bumpy, car sickness filled ride down the gravel road to get back onto the main hwy. So after about an hour we get back onto the hwy and head to Vegas. When we got to the Hoover Dam I freaked. I hate, I mean HATE heights. So I had to pull over for Jesus to drive. He was a bit annoyed; he had been trying to sleep and reluctantly did what I asked. So we drive over the dam, I cannot see down to what it really looks like since it was dark (thank goodness). So now we are onto Vegas. Vegas is like a small NYC in my opinion, but it was nice to say I have been there. We stayed in the Paris hotel; which really made me happy even though we were grumpy, dirty, tired, and hungry. For just a night I felt like I was back in Paris, France; if only for a few hours. So we checked in after being redirected three times, three times; to the check in. We check in, and I am really pissed by this point we are loaded down with luggage and tiredness and we finally get to our room. It is beautiful, but then again anything Parisian is awesome to me. Okay so we are starving, I shower and try to revive myself to try and face the Vegas strip. We go out and try and find food. WTF? Its only 11 and everything is closed....? We find a hot dog place called Pinks, 20 bucks for hot dogs? Yeah that’s right. Whatever, so we go back upstairs and seriously my head hits the pillow and I am out like a light. After Vegas we head to California. We get to Mammoth Lakes, CA and stay at the Juniper Springs Resort. Outside of our condo you can see snow capped mtns. SERIOUSLY!!! Now look we are from TEXAS, you don’t see that down there. And as I come into our condo I walk outside to our patio and then it begins to snow!!! Not much but it did snow. I was in love. That night we went to an Irish pub and I had fish and chips so good! Two nights there.
The next day we went to Yosemite and of course Jesus and I have to argue. DUH! Where would we be on a freaking vaca if we were not getting on each other’s nerves?! So after an hour we liked each other again. Thanks God! We saw so many beautiful things that again I was confused as to how there are these things in our back yard. K so when we left Mammoth Lakes we went to see the gi-normous red wood trees. Now when I say gi-normous I meant it. There were some as wide as a car or two, and as big around as ten trees. CRAZY!!! Okay so now we are done there, I again felt dirty and dusty this was not supposed to be a part of the deal people! So again we are on the road and 7 hours later we are in San Francisco, we get lost for at least an hour and finally come to a severely steep road. We go through a tunnel and we arrive at our hotel. It is so hip and funky, black and white and crystal chandeliers. Who would not be in love? The only thing I am not cool with is there is a vintage elevator that we did get stuck on today. We had to call the emergency people to reset the damn thing. Good thing I am not that claustrophobic. And oh yeah I forgot there is no door on the bathroom wtf? And there is no AC, so we have to leave the window open at night. Why can’t there be a screen on the window? Whatever, damn Californians. Ok so we went and did some sightseeing today and ate at a traditional Chinese restaurant; now let me tell you it was great food. It was exactly what I was looking for. They gave us hot tea when we got there; we ordered wonton soup (hand made), shrimp with mushrooms, and chicken with rice. We both had lemonade but mine had sprite it in. HEAVEN! I will recreate that concoction fo sho! Ok so we were walking in the Golden Gate Park and it finally dawned on me I really want a baby. Like for some reason today I had had enough. There were so many young couples walking around with these ridiculously cute babies and in my mind I could see myself being a crazy lady and grabbing their too cute of a kid and hauling ass down the road. So after kicking myself back into reality I told Jesus look can we do IUI? He said he didn’t care, I of course said look you are my husband I need your thoughts. He said simply I want a kid that’s all there is to it. That was all I needed, so I txt my sister and let her know we would not be able to go with her to Disney this xmas since we were going to start saving. I was so relieved when she said ok I support you in whatever you do. I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders. We are finally going to take the next step. I am scared shitless of course but so ready to take the next step. I of course already feel like it will not work, but I have to try. I feel terrible that I have not done anything in a month. I know it is pointless to keep trying ourselves but when we were I felt like I was in some type of control. Very funny I know. So here goes another journey. Well we won’t be able to do this until December; because I have to save but here’s to it. Alright I think that there is enough to read. Updates are coming tomorrow.

Tori Amos

Hello my peeps!
Well I was thinking I am sick about talking about my infertility soooo.... I decided I was in a Tori Amos mood so I want to talk about her. I dont know if you guys love her but I do. I grew up listening to her. Some of my favs are Baker baker, Cornflake girl, which totally transports me back to highschool,I also love Cloud on my tongue, Muhammad my Friend, Hey Jupiter, Talula, Not the Red Baron, and Doughnut song. These songs are what have made me who I am. I fell in lust and in love with two different men from these songs. I fell in love with one man for ten years to these songs. Oh yeah I love China that song is my relationship summed up. Not that I wanted to talk about preggo people but I do have to say one thing. I was having lunch today with my sister and her friend who is pregnant. I absolutly love her so I am no at all jealous, which is a nice change actually. So anyway she is five in a half months along and we were talking about her baby shower details. I am really excited to help, but I cant help but wish it were me. Anyway I am just trying to steer off of the baby crap for a while. HA HA, so my trip is next week. We are going to California. I think I already talked about that, anywho I am going to clean out the fridge, walk the dogs and if I have enough energy I will do two papers. Love ya guys!

Ok so anyway...

Sooooo how annoying are people that find out how old I am (26, 27 in July) look at my like I have magically become Medusa when I say how I want a baby. Look people, I wish I didnt want a baby, but I do. I wish I didnt have to go through all of this heartache, but I have. When I said well I will be done with school when I am 28, and so when I get a job and if I am not pregnant yet we will do IVF. A good friend of mine, God love her thought I was bonkers. She said I am 38 and just had a baby. I said there is nothing wrong with that, but I want to be a young mom, I dont want to be 40 and pregnant. No offense to anyone. I just want to be able to still be young when my kids are grown up. UGH!!! So annoying.

Art fart

So I am going to school right now for a Bachelors in Social Science, then I will do an alternate certification for Art. I want to teach art. But I just came back from dropping off a trash can (a kid threw up in music) so I stopped by one of the art teacher's rooms. I had noticed she had all kinds of art work displayed at the front of her room. The one that caught my eye was a painting of a girl identical to the one from the National Geographic magazine. The girl in the painting wore fabric of copper over her brown hair, her green eyes were electric. I suddenly began to shrink into myself. What if I am not talented enough to do this? I don't draw, so I would never have paintings like hers to display for my students. I am panicking now, I want to finish my degree but I also feel like what if I am not talented enough for teaching art. I thought I could get away with not being able to draw, especially when I see these projects they do with they kids. Well that's settled I just have to stick with elementary. Anyway I am expecting AF next Wednesday. Sucks sucks sucks!!!

Blah

So it has hit me, I am on cycle day 13 and I am already feeling the PMS blah feeling. I always get like this. Two weeks before AF I get non-stop headaches, tired, zoned out, depressed. I just hate it! I have done well in that I am keeping up with my class. This is my seventh class. I do one class a month, so I am proud of myself for that. But I was thinking if I were pregnant now would I still be feeling down? I think not, because I would be preggos! I am sure I would have the baby blues but at least I would have finally gotten pregnant. We are going on vaca in two weeks, so AF will be joining us, I'm sure. UGH!!! I hate being a girl. I need some fresh air. BYE!

Army wives

So I just love watching Army Wives on lifetime. Well one of the characters had a miscarriage, it was soo sad! And now on the next episode another one of the characters is pregnant. WTF?!! Anyway that's ok, I still love the show. So my hand is sooooo much better, meds are amazing. We are on the count down for our trip. June 9th cannot come soon enough. I am still dreaming of having a baby, but I have made myself relax. Even worse the DH and I BD'ed last night and I am on day 12 now and having lots I means lots of CM. So here I go being baby loca and wanting to chart or temp or something TTC like. But I must remind myself no stress!!! I must chill and do things fun, not obsess. So here's looking to not thinking well at least not constantly about babies. :) TTYL!

Depressed

How does one stay positive when there have been so many set backs? Went to the doctor for my hand yesterday and looks like an inflamed tendon. Got meds and a wrist brace. The problem is my DH is being such a brat. He doesnt listen to me when I tell him I am in pain. He doesnt even reach out to touch me when I cry. And this whole not being pregnant thing has really made me feel so raw. I am feeling down and alone.

BABIES EVERYWHERE!!!

So my day was going pretty well, or so I thought. It was busy in the clinic I work in. I work as a nurse aide in an elementary school. Working towards finishing my teaching degree to teach art. So anywho, I needed to run a note to the P.E. department. They were on lunch so I knocked on their door and I could hear women talking. I got nervous because I know that one teacher pumps, she had a baby three months ago. But when they opened the door she wasn't pumping but the art teacher was. And sitting in the middle was the librarian who also had a baby three months ago. So all three pump and all three have babies the same age. (Shoot me please). And I had to go to two of their baby showers, one when I thought I was pregnant. (Hey at least it got me through the dang party feeling hopeful). ;) . So I got through that and walked back up front to have lunch. And what do you know the whole freaking conversation is about being pregnant and having kids. "Well when I was pregnant I couldn't stay still." "When I had my second kid I didn't do as much like I did for the first." (Tears :*( ). So anyway my hand still hurts so I am trying to type slower. I just need a break from typing. But my schooling is online so oh well, and I use the computer a lot at work. Well, I am feeling better now since being attacked by mommies and baby talk. I hope everyone else is having a good day. TTYL!

Good Morning

Hello all!
I am having a better day today. I ended up leaving work an hour early yesterday due to a massive migraine that is still threatening me today. And my right hand that I have been ignoring has officially begun to be too painful and I am now wearing a brace. People at work think I have really injured myself, I feel silly that it is probably just from typing too much. So anywho, I am working on my social psychology class today, I have a paper due Monday and I need to be a responsible student. ;) So I am feeling better about the whole baby thing, But we are not near the fertile time so of course I do. This is when I feel my best, before hormones really start kicking me while I am down. I have been looking over the blogs I am following and I totally love seeing what other gals are doing with their baby journeys. I cant wait to blog about my pregnancy! Here's hoping!

Mondays

So I could not sleep at all last night. I usually have such a hard time falling asleep on Sundays anyway. I was reading through the 999 reasons to laugh at infertility and I laughed out loud at the one about people putting their ultrasound pics on facebook. Now I cant lie, I have a lot of family that live out of town who would love to see my pics. Not that I have any to show but I do understand that it hurts to see everyone else happy and when you aren't its hard to get through. Even seeing women I work with on there happy with there 3 month old babies. One is pregnant again and her son is not yet one. Shoot me please. :( Anyway I am back at work trying to forget my little dream. I was reading "A Little Pregnant" last night and this poor woman keeps getting pregnant and miscarrying. I cant even get pregnant. I don't know would I want to get pregnant and know that I can and then loose the baby? Who knows. I hate life sometimes. I just don't get why the egg and the little swimmer are missing each other this many times?!! Oh well TTYL!

A Little Pregnant

Ok so I am reading a book called "A Little pregnant" , it is very good. I suggest it to anyone who has been TTC for a while. I know that my DH and are I are not trying right now, but I still want a baby so bad. I have an ache in my heart as I type this. It creeps up on me without me knowing I am feeling sad. So AF is almost gone and I of course go into the mode of wanting to try again. But I had to snap out of it and realize we are done for now. UGH! Pity party over here! But anywho I was looking over money today and I am getting so excited! We are going out of town next month for a road trip! We are leaving Houston on June 9th and driving to New Mexico staying the night there. Then the next day we are off the VEGAS!!! Staying one night in the Paris hotel, seeing Hoover Dam and The Grand Canyon. To think that a little baby could be growing inside my belly as I look at such amazing things. (Yeah right but its fun to daydream). After our one night we are off to Yosemite, two nights there, then to San Fran!! Four nights there then down to Malibu where my dad and step mom live. Four nights there and home we go! So I just need to chill about the money and remember that last June we went to NYC and we didn't even spend all of our money. I think we will do just fine on a road trip. Well that's that, I
am off to grocery shop.

Last night

So last night was not so much fun. It was pouring like crazy, thunder and lighting the whole nine yards. Well my husband convinces me to go to a play that his best friend wrote and directed which was showing down town. Now I live in Rosenberg and downtown Houston is about 45 mins or so away and in a storm?! Not fun! So I was in a funk alllll day yesterday since AF showed on Thursday morning. I was so tired of smiling and joking at work when all I wanted to do was cry and be left alone. But God said sorry girl time to push on. So I did my best. So when I got home and the hubby and I left we went to eat Olive Garden. Usually my fav. But tonight I feel somber and down. My husband keeps asking whats wrong, I told him and he of course feels bad. I said "look I'm sorry I just feel sad, I will be fine though." So of course I ordered chicken with broccoli my fav, and ate not even half. I was so tired and not in the mood. I looked outside at the dark night and the rain pouring down in sheets and all I wanted to do was go home get in my pjs, and go to bed. No such luck.
So we get to the play and we go in an sit down. It is a small playhouse and so the actors are very in your face. This play happened to be about one guy who is in a crazy house because his wife hanged herself while shew as pregnant with their first kid. WTF?!!! So needless to say I rather have gone to sleep then see this crap. The guy was good don't get me wrong, but what a bad topic. Oh well did my house cleaning today, its still crappy weather but my best girlfriend is coming over and I am going shopping. TTYL!

AF showed!

So here I am again AF is in full swing. I am so confused as to why this keeps happening. I hate being a girl , and a girl who wants to get pregnant at that. My husband and I have been married for four years this year. We met when we were in high school. So yes, we are high school sweet hearts. So sweet I know. I work in an elementary school and my husband is a police officer. I am going to school to become an art teacher, which has been my life long dream since elementary school.
So here is the low down. My husband and I began to talk about babies two years ago. I had just turned 25 so we threw out the birth control, I was excited and optimistic. A year went by and I went to talk to my OBGYN to see what she thought about me not getting pregnant. She said "You are young, you will get pregnant don't worry about it right now. But if you want here is some Clomid and go get an HSG." So I took the Clomid for two months, (hate the stuff let me tell ya) and nothing happened. I didn't have the HSG because I had not met my deductible yet. So we were at a stand still again. So the summer came and I turned 26. I was not to anxious yet but I did start to have a nagging feeling that something had to be wrong with us. So I asked my hubby to get tested and he reluctantly did, he was normal as could be. His swimmers were doing just that, swimming but where?
I then put my brave face on and started the round of blood work. FSH, estrogen,LH, CF, blah blah, blah ,I was normal as well. Now came the hard part; the HSG. So I went in expecting the worst pap smear of my life and well it was annoying and uncomfortable but I made it through with minor cramping during it but none afterwards, I was very lucky. There was a lot of pain on left side as they pushed the dye through which could have indicated a blockage. But we would never know.
My hubby and I went on to do timed intercourse after the HSG, we both thought this had to be it this time. I had to have had a blockage, and now that it was clear we would finally get pregnant, but nope, AF showed her ugly face. So I went onto Clomid again, first I had a vaginal ultra-sound to check my follicles. And wow! I had a lot! 8 on the right side and 7 on the left. I just knew we would get pregnant this month.
So we did the meds we timed the intercourse and went on for two weeks praying. I then began to get pain in my groin and joint pain, then the boobs started hurting. I knew she was on her way. But then I began to research about pubic pain and it was referred back to being pregnant. I prayed so hard that this was it. Well it wasn't she came again yesterday and I was devastated. I mean really this time I was so defeated and down.
My husband and I began to talk about jumping to IVF, but we are both students and we knew we wouldn't be approved for another loan. So I cried and we fought. I hate hormones. We finally decided we will look into grants and just pray. So here we are stuck. My birthday is in July and I will be 27, I really wanted to be pregnant by now. Oh well, I will keep on keeping on somehow.