The bitch is here!

So I was having a great day today. I went to my sister's house because we were going to do some things for our friend’s baby shower. We were making her a diaper cake which looks soooo cute, and I was working on baby blocks with the babies name on it. I just love being creative. So then we went to see Eclipse and we are with my husband, bro in law and the couple of the girl we are doing the baby shower for. She is 26 weeks along and she is just too cool, love her. So my hubby and I go home and I go to the bathroom and look who the hell it is. THE BITCH HAS SHOWED, AND I AM PISSED!!! But then again I am pissed at myself for even believing that we will one day be pregnant. Pessimistic much? Yeah you could freaking say that! I am just so sick and tired of getting my stupid lowly hopes up and then I am crushed every time. I want to smoke, drink and eat and not worry about my fat ass and my cholesterol. I want to be free from my fear of one day not being alive. But no, here I am obsessing about being a freaking mom! WTF doubly!!! Ever since I started this jail sentence all I have thought about was well once you have a baby that means you are closer to dying. Why do I torture myself? I enjoy it. Yeah right, no I don’t know I am just Looney what can I say? Anyway I am stressed, I am forcing myself to work out to get my cholesterol down so I don’t stroke out any day now and I want to lose some weight so I can actually like looking at myself in a mirror. Am I sure I need to be attempting this mommy thing? I am a basket case! UGH IIIIII ANNOY MYSELF SERIOUSLY! Ok I am done. I am going to do some homework in order to make myself feel like I am going to be teaching soon and making more money and not being pay check to paycheck. Sorry I am soooooo depressed and pissed right now. I will be nicer tomorrow I know. Now just for that cigarette and cupcake and I will be right as rain. After I walk on the treadmill with lady gaga screaming in my ears. HA!