Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Who am I?
I find myself wondering this lately, who am I? Ever since we have begun trying for a baby almost two and a half years ago I seriously don’t know who I am anymore. Maybe God is changing me....? I cannot let go of this dream of a baby. I have tried trust me! I want to not obsess, I want to be carefree. But how can I when all I ever wonder is am I ever going to have a baby of my own in my belly? Am I lazy? Do I not pray enough? The lady I work with has told me to fast and to pray. But honestly I don’t like the idea of fasting. I am already moody I don’t need to go without food to be even more moody. And another thing, I think God has planted another seed in my mind. I woke up a couple of weeks ago not wanting to teach art anymore….so now I am on the path of maybe teaching Special Ed. I don’t know. I have a year to figure that out but it’s on my mind of course. Am I such a bad person that I want to have a baby? We don’t have the money for more fertility treatments and I don’t have the energy or the patience to try again on our own. Every month I feel happy until the 2WW, then I am so nervous and expecting to not be pregnant which in turn bums me out. Then I wonder why do people who don’t even believe in God get pregnant? Am I not giving enough? I don’t know how to be closer to God. I thought I was close to God but now I don’t know. Then every month I feel defeated and almost ready to quit and then I get hope again. I can’t get rid of this huge desire of wanting a baby. Who am I?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
It's a hard question to answer for sure. I completely understand what you are going through. For a long time I have asked why not me? Was I a bad Christian? Did I still have more to learn? But in actuality, God knows what time is right for us and we just have to keep trusting and keep believing that he is our provider. Easy for me to say to you I know, but I am truly trying to help. I think that when you get to the point you are at, the best thing to do is just take deep breath, write down all the blessings you do have in your life and rejoice in those, also continue to thank God for them. Then tell Him that you know that all good things come in His time and according to His will and not your own. Take a break from temping, OPKs and charting and just live life (like i said easier said than done) and you never know what could happen.
ReplyDeleteGL
Thanks girl, I will begin to train myself to live again. You are right I have so many blessings and I need to remember that. Thanks so much!
ReplyDelete