Wishing and hoping and waiting....

Well I know that it is pointless in getting my hopes up. And I know we have all been there. Our period is a day late or two or three...and we are so sure we could be pregnant. But then AF shows up and says ha ha biatch you thought you lost me didnt cha?! Yeah so that is where I am. I am a 27 day cycle kind of girl and I am on day 28 and no sign of AF. My boobs are sooooo sore and have been for a week. And I am super gassy and bloated. But that is always me. I usually get a repreive from gassy and bloated every now and then. Anyway so silly hopeful me took a pregnancy test and duh it was negative. But seriously can I just see a positive once God? I just would love to know what thats like. And then I get a Parents magazine in the mail today. UGH!!!! Ok so anyway, I just needed to vent and now I need to be productive. TTYL!

Money sucks

So after much prayer the DH and I have given into the fact that we are going to wait on going to the doc. I am not happy about this by any means but we are broke. I have one more year of school and still have to beg for a teaching job after that. My DH is a police officer but he has gone back to school as well. So needless to say we are stretching ourselves. And like my DH and I said if we go the doc again and go through with IUI I could get pregnant with multiples and then what would we do? So God is leading me in the direction of just waiting on getting pregnant, at least by a doctor. So anyway I wont have much to say except about random things. I love seeing how you guys are doing and I keep checking on yalls baby journeys and I still pray for yall too. Until later TTYL!

Insurance coming sooner

Well I have gotten some better news, I get to switch my insurance over sooner rather then later. So maybe I will get to go back to see the doctor again, maybe the end of October. I am super excited but still bummed that I have to go again. We are going to go forward with our first IUI, I am going to do injections if I can. My insurance covers 6 IUI attempts but I dont think it covers injections. So hopefully I can afford these shots. Now for my gripes. Because you know I have to have one. I just found out a lady I used to work with is pregnant. She just got married, and has endo. Yet they got pregnant right away. I just dont get it, we have been married five years this year. And I know this is TMI but when my OPK was positive three days ago DH had school until 9 pm and gets home too late. We tried but we were both so tired, so it was frustrating and pointless. So again we tried the next two days and it was crap again. So I know we are going back to the doctor but I still have this slight glimmer of hope that we will get knocked up on our own. Fat chance. Whatever I am off to watch crap TV.

Wanting to dream of baby but apprehensive....

So as I sit here I am craving a cupcake. I have wanted a cupcake for days now. I just want a cupcake!!! Ok enough of that jazz; I have started working again after a nice long summer. I was ready to work again; I know who wants to work? Well I have come to the conclusion that I need structure....yes I really do.
I found myself rather bored on those long days all by myself. And it didn’t help that all I thought about were babies. Is it odd that I so want to decorate the extra room for a baby, yeah a baby that is not even growing in my empty slimy uterus. I even found this amazing rocking chair that it overstuffed and sooooo comfy on the side of the road two weeks ago. Look I know that sounded odd but I like good finds that so happen to be in the trash. Anyway I digress I want to cover it with an absolutely to die for fabric I saw at Hobby Lobby. The fabric was a circus themed toile; I know so cute it’s sickening right? Yeah I have that effect on people. I bore people to death with things I think are cute and fun. Seriously ask my friends and family. Even my dog gets bored with me. Again I digress, now listen I don’t like clowns and circuses concern me with animal abuse and all being a hot topic. Those poor elephants, but the idea of a circus intrigues me and makes me feel magical and whimsy.
So back to the baby room, the room is a bright cheery yellow which I was going to keep but there are some cracks in the walls due to an older home trait. So paint will need to be had here. Also I am a huge renaissance, fairy loving, dragon loving, elf kind of girl. Again I know I am strange cookie, but this is just how I role and as my Jersey shore folks would say “I’m doing me.” Or would Drake say that, I need to consort with my besties on that one. Anyway I would love to be like those ladies out there that start picking up baby clothes here and there or picking up little booties they can’t resist. Trust me it has crossed my mind. But I honestly feel like I would be tempting fate. I do not believe in superstitions’ at all; let me get that across now. I think they are highly interesting but I don’t believe in them. But honestly after two years TTC this month I am not trying to anger any unforeseen “Gods”. I need all the help I can get.
So with that being said I am sitting on my hands and trying to not do anything in that room. So it stays lonely as a boring extra bedroom. With a bed and a bookcase. My mom told me that her and my dad bought my sister and me our baby crib before she was even pregnant. Talk about torture!!!! Holy crap, if I had a crib in our extra room and after these two long years I would be in a mental hospital. I don’t need a reminder of not being able to have our own creation. Thanks but no thanks.
So even though the idea of making or buying anything baby sounds highly ,highly, highly appealing I will leave it alone, and not tempt God or anyone else who wants to get involved with my husband’s sperm or my uterus thank you very much.

A dinner with pregnant ladies

So tonight I had dinner with my sister and her best friend who is pregnant, and along with her came another friend who is pregnant. I thought it wouldn’t bother me but it started to. My sister’s best friend is sooo nice and I love her, but I think she thinks that every conversation we have has to be about babies. And her friend who is pregnant asked me so when are babies happening? I laughed and said well we have been trying for two years and that’s not happening. She laughed and said well we know where you should go, as she laughs and points at her protruding stomach. They did IUI about three times. So whatever!!!! I went to my first counseling session before dinner. I have daddy issues so I need some help in figuring out dependency issues. I am hoping going there will help ease my mind and help me relax; maybe I can convince my uterus to hang on to a fertilized egg. HA HA! Anyway I am watching the real world and it is highly entertaining. Ta ta!

today is another day...

I don’t know what it is but it seems that every day I wake up there are new things to do and I feel differently about things. I just don’t know how I am supposed to stay firm on things when God decides to keep changing my mind. What am I referring to you ask, getting knocked up of course. The DH and I have not been trying for two months. And let me tell ya that is a long time to not try for our little sweat pea. Like I have said before we were going to bite the bullet and go to the doc and do IUI with Clomid. Well crazy lady that I am decided I was enjoying my freedom (and in the back of my naïve mind I thought if we don’t try it would happen, HA HA!). So he we are again, so I am going to call my benefits peeps and ask about the fertility coverage. I am actually on hold right now as I type, I am that anxious and well I am also typing a paper for school on child abuse and it is wearing me down so I needed a break. Well now they are telling me they don’t have any type of coverage….great. The lady I am speaking to is researching and I am on hold. OK so there is full coverage as long as you are on the medical completely. I am so excited! So I just finished my paper and I need to get out of my house. So when I get back I am going to look over the info she gave me. Looks like my 27th will be ok after all 

I want a baby shower!!! DAMN IT!

So tomorrow is the day...it has come...I am co-hosting a baby shower. Dear God could you please stop laughing at me and impregnate me already please!!! Seriously I feel like this is all a huge freaking joke. Two years later and I am still in hopes of having a baby that looks like my husband and I. I even had a dream about a little girl who was around one or two. She was fair like me and she had dark brown hair with curls. Her little chubby legs spilled out from under her little shirt and her sweet face looked like me. TORTURE!!! I have had a few dreams of babies but nothing like this. Then honestly it freaks me out because I want to have my own baby. I am not saying that I am right, I know I should adopt. But honestly I am not teaching yet and my husband makes more money than I do, but we really struggle. I will be teaching hopefully in two years but until than we cannot afford to adopt. And I really don’t want to go back to the RE because I don’t want to be poked and prodded again. I want to have a baby “on accident”. Funny huh? I know I am full of laughs these days. How could I seriously think that I could make myself not want a baby? I can make myself calm down, but when I get around pregnant women my heart aches. Well good luck to me and let’s pray that I don’t go hide in the bathroom and cry tomorrow. LOL here’s hoping.